The Professional Killer

Wow the last few days have been a whirlwind. Started a new project and have been submerged in the research. Think I have most of the pieces together but we'll have to see.

The Professional Killer

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.

After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a Professional Killer for the mob," replied the second man.

The Professional Killer noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a sub-urban just west of this golf course."

The Professional Killer placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the Killer's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The Professional Killer looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the Killer.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The Killer paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The Professional Killer agreed, turned, and took his firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

I'm being lazy today with my golf joke blog, so short intro, long joke!

Lifelong Headaches

Fred was moderately successful golfer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. His golf, personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his game turned really sour he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.

The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure and allow your swing to work again is to remove the testicles."

Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but then figured at least he could play reasonable golf again.

He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, swing free, and live a new life.

He went to the club for a drink and as he walked past the Pro shop thought, "That's what I need: A new outfit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like some new golf slacks." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long." Fred laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the slacks, they fitted perfectly.

As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt, I've got some great new Nicklaus stock."

Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . ." . The salesman eyed Fred and said,"Let's see. . . 34 sleeve and . . . 16 and and half neck" Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Fred tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. As Fred adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes, we just got new stock with soft spikes" Fred was on a roll and agreed. The salesman said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."

Fred was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Fred walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Fred said, "Sure . ."

The salesman eyed Fred's head and said, "Let's see . . . 7 5/8." Fred was really impressed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Fred was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear, got some great new imported stock." Fred thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Fred's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36."

Fred laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 - every time you swing it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


Play well

Woody Austin at this year's President's Cup

Some of the humorous comments heard at the President's Cup after Woody Austin's face-first plunge into the water:

"Hey Woody, the Russian judge gave you an eight.", howled Vijay Singh.

"It's funny. For years he was known as the guy who banged his head against his putter. And now he's the guy who banged his head against the water" - Retief Goosen

"I'm going with Phil Mickelson and Jacques Cousteau" - Jack Nicklaus announcing his pairings for Saturday.

And my own contribution:

What do you get when a golfer falls in the water? A Woody

Or:

Iain and Colin were playing golf one Saturday morning when Iain found his ball in the water hazard, nearly submerged yet playable. He kicks off his shoes, peels off his socks, rolls up his trouser legs and prepares to play his next shot.

Colin, unable to stifle a snicker, blurts out, "Don't pull a Woody!"

Or:

Golf term recently added to the golf lexicon-
"Woody" n. To play a shot from a water hazard after which you turn and fall face first into the water; syn-Aquaman

Ok, enough of that! Please feel free to add to these if you have heard any good ones (or bad or indifferent ones, doesn't matter)

Happy Golfing!

World's Funniest Golf Joke

This is a joke that, a few years ago, was voted 'world's funniest joke' via a year-long online survey. I've modified it so that it is now a golf joke. Hope you like it.


A couple of golfers are out on the fairway when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back up in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's a silence, then over the phone the operator hears "THWUMP".

The guy comes back on the line and says: "OK, now what?"



Congratulations to the USA for their convincing win in the President's Cup. I have to question Tiger's loss to Mike Weir though. The USA had already won the Cup as Tiger was finishing up his match, so the result was virtually meaningless...except to Weir and the thousands of Canadian fans in attendance that is. With Tiger's strong sense of history and recent dominance, coupled with the huge boost to Weir's legacy should he (Weir) win, it's not beyond the realm of possibility to think that Tiger packed in his 'A' game. Just a thought.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Spent most of the day configuring my golf joke blog and now I'm adding a picture so that I can add it to my profile. That's almost the sole reason for this particular post.

Don't laugh...I'm obviously no shutterbug.

How 'bout a joke, then you can laugh and you won't have to admit what you are really laughing at.





Bad Day at the Golf Course

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "You think your wife is dead, aren't you sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."


Ok, just one more quick one -


Q: What is the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times


Have a good one!

Just a quick note for the people over a technorati to help my blog traffic.
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Rules for Bedroom Golf

These rules exist in many forms as a Google search would reveal. This simply is my revised version and one of my favorite golf jokes.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls, (utility clubs may be used at the owners request).
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole prior to play. (However, it is the players responsibility to ensure the course is properly moistened as dry conditions. by definition. deem the course unplayable.)
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
5. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
7. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. (Experienced players will generally take time to leisurely tour the entire course, paying special attention to the well-formed mounds and subtle textures of the course.)
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. (Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.)
10. Players are encouraged to utilize proper rain gear, failure to do so may result in stoppage of play.
11. Players should not assume that the course is playable at all times. (Advanced players often find alternative means of play when this is the case.)
12. Players should ensure their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course. (Some courses allow for multiple players simultaneously, but this is extremely rare.)
13. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole. (Failure to do so also increases the difficulty of play.)
14. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
15. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request. (Speed Golf is prohibited on nearly all courses, the exceptions being those that charge green fees.)
16. Course owners may request that the hole be replayed until the round has met with the owners satisfaction.
17. At the conclusion of play, players are generally required to remain in the vicinity of the course and admire its many facets. (Failing to do so may result in prolonged course closure.)

Hope you liked it!

Golf Joke-A-Day

I'm just starting this blog, as you can see, and in the coming weeks and months I'll be researching and collecting jokes, stories and quotes from golfers, celebrities, and others to share with you. I'll post at least a golf joke per day and try to expand on that as I go along. So, here we go:

The Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome tees-off and watches in horror as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing in the adjacent fairway. And sure as steel is drawn to a magnet, the ball hits one of the men who immediately clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground and proceeds to moan in agony.

The women rush down to the man and immediately began to apologize profusely. Beside herself with guilt, the woman who struck the ball then explains that she is a physical therapist and offers to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she pleads.

"Ummph...uh...um...no thanks...I...um...I'll be alright...j...just give me a minute", he squeaks as he remains curled up in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman, not to be put off, then takes it upon herself to begin to ease his "pain"and slowly begins to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asks, "Does that feel any better?"

The man looks up at her and replies, "That feels pretty good...but um...
my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Introduction

Hi! My name is Steve Evans and I am an avid golfer that tries not to take golf, or life in general, too seriously.

I have found that my best rounds of golf have come when I am having fun and joking around on the golf course. To that end, I have decided to collect and publish golf jokes for you to share with your golf buddies while out on the links (best to share these at critical moments of the round, such as right before their 6 foot putt for birdie!)

Also, I will be sharing golf tips, drills, techniques and stories from the world of golf that I have found useful and/or interesting.

My favorite Robin Williams' routine talking about the origin of golf seems an appropriate choice for my first entry. Please enjoy!
(Note: If you are offended by 'colorful' language, please do not click the play button, but it is really hilarious.)